Another Monday morning

It's 7:09 on Monday morning and I have already been up for 2.5 hours.  Why, you ask?  I have no clue.  I was exhausted yesterday after a long day so I went to bed relatively early for me at Midnight only to wake up and be wide awake at 4:45 AM.  I am NOT happy about this at all as I am definitely not a morning person, never mind a before 5AM morning person. 

On a positive note, two new clients that I connected with via a job bid board paid me for the two small jobs I did for them on Friday and they left excellent feedback for me which will help me land more work on the job bid board which is great news!  I also have an interview today to work for a new temp agency.  They have a part time position for an office job that would pay about $12 per hour and be about 20 hours per week.  Just what I need is ANOTHER job, right?!?!  However, the goal is if I get this one it's more money than I'm making now at my full-time second job per hour so maybe that means that I can cut my hours at job #2 by an equal amount of hours that I work at this new job (if i get it) and still be making more money.  I just need to be careful that I don't take on too much non-business work, or I won't have time to run and grow the business.

I also have a conference call with a current client today about another large project she has coming up that she needs me to work on.  So overall, this week money wise is looking good.  Now, the goal is to make sure I use what money I earn wisely instead of blowing it on eating out and other misc consumption that I just don't need and honestly can't afford.  My goal is to try and put at least $100 in my oldest son's savings account this week.  I figure if I put it there, it will be safe from my frivolous spending habits, but I guess only time will tell.

Oh and to make my Monday even better, I just realized how close Christmas is and I have NOTHING saved, and nothing bought.  I am thinking this week might be a good time to sit down with the kiddos and talk to them about the reality of the fact that I can't afford to do an all out Christmas like I normally do.  In the past even when I am flat broke and can't afford I tend to make it work where I buy them way more crap than they need and I just need and want to stop doing that.  I always buy them clothes that they need, it's a way of having more presents under the tree and having it be things they need (socks, underwear, sweaters, etc., etc.) but I want the kids to understand where things are and try and show them there are better ways to live financially and hopefully they won't end up where I'm at when they're my age.

Maybe change isn't possible...

I've always been a believer that change was possible, that no matter how old you are you could change your habits, ways, etc.  Now, I'm starting to doubt that.  Not only have I found it very difficult if not impossible to change my spending ways, my often times laziness but it seems the ex is also someone who will never change.  He has a drinking problem, and anger management issues, and just bascially lately has gone ape shit crazy.  Today was another one of those days where I would have sworn he was drunk but he was acting more insane than drunk.  He caused a huge scene with my second oldest, I had to call the cops and he just was so ridiculous.  He's gone now, and won't be back tonight, but just having to go through this again makes me realize maybe change is impossible.

Making ends meet

Until June of this year, my transcription business was my sole source of income.  At that point, business had slown and my largest client had decided to send her work out of the country to India.  Now, I know I can grow the business again but in the meantime, I needed to make sure I had at least a steady source of income to pay the bills as I had no savings whatsoever.  I started working at a coffee shop 2nd shift full-time making minimum wage.  Of course, this is not ideal.  Prior to my business I worked as a paralegal, and I know I could make more money if I was willing to travel downtown to work, but with my daughter's diabetes and my son being bipolar, I just don't feel okay being so far away from them all day because if something went wrong or a problem arised it would be an hour minium before I could get to them.  Where I'm working now I can be there in five minutes.

Working second shift also allows me to continue to run my business during normal business hours of 9 to 5 or close to that.  I have to tell you though that I am extremly tired of working all the time.  It seems that even though I am working more, I am making less and therefore instead of moving forward I am going backwards.  My husband and I are separated and had lived separately for almost a year.  However, last month, since he was spending a lot of time at my house to watch the kids at night while I worked, we decided that he would rent out the two rooms I had in the basement.  It has a separate entrance and he has set up a bedroom and a livingroom.  He does get access to the kitchen and upstairs area but pretty much stays downstairs.  I cook for the kids and make enough for him.  He in return pays half the rent and household bills.  This has helped a bunch but it still seems I can't get ahead.

Right now, I'm looking for maybe a part-time job in a law firm.  I think if I were to work 20 hours or so in a law-firm even if I was forced to go downtown, I would make twice as much money as I am making now working half the amount of hours and still have the needed time to grow my business.  I don't know if I'll find something but I do know that I can't go on how I'm going now.

I hate all the time I am away from the kids.  When I am home, I'm exhausted and trying to sleep or just so cranky from dealing with customers that I am not any fun to be around.  The kids behavior has changed so much since I'm not home when they get home from school. 

I don't know what I will ultimately end up doing, I guess I was just sort of thinking outloud about where things are now...

Fate intervening on my behalf?

Today a small payment from a client cleared that really should go towards a bill that I have to pay.  It's not a large amount but it's enough to pay about 50% of a bill that once it's paid will be gone.  Well, I drop the little ones off at school and tell myself that I'm starving and I'm going to treat myself to McDonald's.  Nothing too fancy, just an egg and cheese biscuit and maybe a carmel frappe.  It would cost me about $6 which isn't a lot but it's $6 less I would have to put on this bill.  I drive to McDonalds, get in line and get ready to order and decide to check my purse and guess what?  I left the debit card at home.  I have everything in my person, my wallet, all my other crap but the debit card isn't there.  I know it must have fallen out on my bedroom floor.  So, guess what?  No McDonalds for me. 

I drive home, go inside and decide to make myself an egg omelete with a cup of tea instead which cost to me is ZERO!  Now, if fate could just intervene like this everytime I went to spend money that I shouldn't how much easier things would be! 

Trying to change old habits is so hard

Every time I try and change, I realize over and over again, that change is hard.  Trying to change from spending to saving, from not caring about bills to paying them off, is HARD!  You would think it would be easy to say okay I know I have to pay X, Y and Z and that I have exactly enough money to just barely pay those things so that means I can't spend a penny more on anything else but guess what?  For me it's not!  For me it means that I'll spend money eating out, or buy something for the kids, or rent a movie, or whatever the case may be spending money that I knew darn well that I didn't have to spend on those items. 

I need to figure out how to force myself to have more self control.  Does this mean the second I get a penny in income automatically paying that on something even if it's just a partial payment so that I don't have the money anywhere to spend?  I don't know but I do know that something has to give somewhere.  I feel like I am working all the time, spending very little time with my family and getting no where towards where I want/need to be.  I started working a full-time job again, on top of trying to do my business, on top of trying to temp when I can to try and work hard to get out of debt, get back on track, get some money saved, buy a house, etc., etc. and it seems that five months later I have gotten no where!